Introduction -
Most organisations are required one way or another to have an 'Equal
Opportunities' policy - an anti discrimination statement. We are used to
considering discrimination on the basis of race, gender, disability and
sometimes even social class - however it is my contention that very real ar=
eas
of discrimination exist on entering adult life for those who have suffered
deprivation and abuse as children. There are no 'Equal Opportunities' for an
abused teenager .
Let us consider some of the barriers which prevent the abused young
adult from becoming a full member of their community; from being an effective parent; fr=
om
forming their own well functioning family;=
and from entering society.
Some of these
‘barriers’ are
created by society and by the very professsionals and researchers who would
wish to clarify the nature and consequences of abuse, by creating a body of
data and demographic norms they inadvertently serve to limit perceived options for victim=
s and
families.
Other barriers are created by damage to the developmental process - beginn=
ing
from the very first parent / =
child
interaction (object relations) (Ref 1a,b,c;2,3) and continuing through early
life experiences of rejection and betrayal of trust producing poor attachme=
nt
and bonding (Ref 4a;4b).
Viewed in practical terms, the end result of disordered or
‘antisocial’ behaviour , in effect the young person who ‘=
does
not fit in’ and who meets barriers to integration in our society, is a
multifactorial condition.
'Fatalistic 'Script'
The first barrier is that trap in our perception of the abuse victi=
m -
the cycle of abused becoming abuser.
It is as if fate, in the form of a cruel sword of Damocles hangs over
the victim ensuring that he or she will in time become a perpetrator.
Many professionals cling , often subconsciously if not overtly to t=
his
widely preached view. It is a double edged sword - not only does it condemn=
the
victim and thus render useless any attempt to heal the past and lead a 'nor=
mal'
life - it also absolves the 'professional' of any need to perform an effect=
ive
intervention. On the other ha=
nd,
the perpetrator is also rendered devoid of blame and responsibility and we =
are
led to collude with the classic misplaced 'blame' felt by the victim.
Just as it is hard for the victim to appreciate that responsibility=
for
cowardly acts of child abuse lie with the adult perpetrator and for the
adolescent to realise that recovery is possible - with a full spectra of
possibilities. So we, the professionals must believe that an abused child c=
an
follow a number of differing life paths -&=
nbsp;
sometimes falling into the harmful 'scripts' of the angry abuser
striking back at society or the frightened perpetual 'Victim' role; or the
protective and often self effacing
'Carer' role. The alternative is to be empowered to lead a spontaneo=
us
life free of the need to role play.
Hugh chose to use his experiences to a positive end. . He describes=
his
early childhood as setting the scene - “I was brought up in a
children’s home and never knew who my parents were. I fantasized about
who they might be .. rich, famous and that one day they would come for me ..
but inside I felt rejected an=
d I
suppose that made me feel pretty worthless. After all who would want you if
even your parents didn’t want you around? .. I think it was that feeling of
worthlessness and rejection that set me up to be a victim ..” Later he was sexually abused while=
in a
foster home and suffered the pain and humiliation of a male rape. Now, as a
social worker, he is able to =
put
his experiences in perspective and has not allowed them to be a
‘barrier’. “Now that I have grown up and gone through a l=
ot
of therapy and training. I am=
so
aware of the child’s dilemma, the powerlessness and the hopelessness =
and
the shame .....”
Value System - Own
perceptions - 'Yardsticks'
The second barrier lies in the young person's own perception of the
world - he has no 'yardstick' no reliable set of values with which to measu=
re
himself or his environment.
The abused youngster has been brought up in an environment of pain =
and
'negative' interactions - negative strokes - or of neglect and withholding =
of
affection. His world to us might seem abnormal and abusive - to him it is
'normal' - it represents the only reality he has ever known - how can he kn=
ow
what is good or bad when he has never known 'good'?.
This 'barrier' affects -
- the way he feels abo=
ut
himself - Self Worth
=
;
- the way he judges ot=
hers -
who is safe? - who is good?
=
;
- What is a good
parent? parenting
=
;
- Who is a good partne=
r? -
relationships
Linda - had been abused by her father, she left home at 13 to 'look
after' an older man who was violent and abusive. He fathered several childr=
en
who were similarly abused although Linda tried hard to protect them. When he
was jailed - she set up home with another abusive male and when he left her=
-
she 'went looking' for a substitute who could parent her children.
Linda knew that a 'family' consists of man, woman and children -
however she had no way of judging the 'male' influence in her life - she ha=
d no
role model for the 'good male' or the 'good father' she just trusted in fat=
e.
She also had no model on which to base her own behaviour.
All the 'fathers' she had known had sought sexual int
This is a sorry aftermath of our child protection service which we =
see
over and over and over again - that an abused child is dealt with on the ba=
sis
of crisis intervention only - removal from immediate danger without on going
care and treatment - without any real attempt to 'heal the wounds' - a child
growing up often carrying the guilt of their own abuse - who is thus
predestined to become further abused.
Thus the teenager has an abusive boyfriend - lacks the personal
strengths and self worth to recognise or break from a violent environment. =
The
young adult attempts to create her own 'family' - a substitute for the one =
she
lost as a child - and the professionals come in again and perpetuate her lo=
ss
by removing her children.
Lack of personal resou=
rces.
If a young person has gone through years of deprivation and abuse&s=
hy;,
they have never had their own needs met - they are like an empty vessel,
deprived of love and affection.
They thus enter adult life , unable to 'give' what they have never
received. This 'emptiness' affects their day to day relationships, friendsh=
ips,
work experiences and profoundly influences their sexual relationships and
parenting.
Contact with others tends to be based on what the 'needy child' can=
get
from the other - there is intense competition for attention - since there is
not and never was enough mother to go round. Hence it can be easy to see the
jealousy, the insensitivity to the needs of others and the 'inability to pl=
ace
others (including their own children's) needs above their own without somet=
imes
appreciating the pain and shallowness of such relationships.
We use this neediness in our therapeutic approach within our
residential unit. The damaged adolescent or young parent of whatever age ne=
eds
to go through a stage of being allowed to be the needy child. So our first =
task
is to accept the needs of the patient’s inner child, to allow them to=
be
child like and parent them - often for the first time in their lives. Here
‘dependance’ is healthy and a required stage in the treatment
process - however like all good parents, we need to set boundaries and be
consistent in our caring during this childlike dependancy stage. As they th=
en
grow in trust and confidence we relinquish some control and responsibility =
so
that our ‘children’ can grow up.(Ref 4a,b,5)
Insecurity /
Unpredictability
There is nothing so abusive for a child than lack of security and
unpredictability of your environment. The idea that nothing is predictable -
that your parents have no clear set of rules, no way of gauging their behav=
iour
and no boundaries - is emotional abuse in it's worst form. To be 'secure' in
knowing you will be treated badly is better than not being able to predict
whether you will be abused or not.
Anna was sexually abused by her grandfather. Her parents turned a b=
lind
eye, failed to protect her and did not respond to her ‘cries for
help’. Anna’s behaviour became more and more disturbed as she
indirectly attempted to draw attention to her plight. Eventually she went o=
n a
spree of vandalism in a nearby housing estate; she broke every pain of glass
along one side of the road, launching bricks until she exhausted herself ..=
and
then ran home and waited in her room for the police to come and arrest her.=
..
Nothing happened .. nothing was said. Anna continues in adult life to show
sudden outbursts of furious destruction.
If the consequences of your behaviour are predictable, this leads to
security; if the consequences of your actions are unpredictable the result =
is
insecurity; but if there are no consequences to your actions, you feel
worthless. A
young person entering adulthood with no set of values - no way of judging
whether they are doing right or wrong is grossly handicapped. Moreover if no
one cares whether you do right or wrong - no one cares enough to show you w=
hat
is right or wrong - then no one cares about you.
Lack of trust
Abused children have had their most basic trusts - that they placed=
in
their parents - betrayed. The=
y grow
up unable to trust anyone and perpetuating that situation by placing what
little trust they have in the hands of those who are likely to abuse that t=
rust
again - they set themselves up in order to psychologically reinforce their =
life
position - "I knew nobody could be trusted!"
In reality they reach a position when they cannot even trust themse=
lves
- so how can they themselves =
be
trusted? Perhaps to be a good parent?
Poor Object relations<= o:p>
Many of the barriers outlined thus far have their origins in what c=
ould
be seen as 'poor Object Relations' . An abused child has no consistent image
of 'goodness' with which to h=
old a
model of 'the good mother'. T=
he
earlier the abuse or deprivation or neglect - the worse this effect. Hence the early analytical concept=
of
the 'good breast' or 'good object' and the opposite concept of the 'bad bre=
ast'
or 'bad object' , are perceived in the child's psyche as wholly separate.
Margaret had a horrific catalogue of sexual and physical abuse in h=
er
early childhood - abuse which really amounted to torture. When she first ca=
me
under my care she regarded me as the only person who understood, the one who
could help her at last, in fact the missing ‘adored mother’. All
went well for some months and then as she began to feel that she had not
‘recovered’ completely, that there were still problems in her l=
ife
and that she (and I) were not perfect. I then became the monster who had let
her down, betrayed her, failed to cure her and make her life right and good.
She then saw me as all bad and attempted to destroy the unit and myself.
Margaret had always said that she was afraid of her destructive capabilities
and in fact she did try to destroy everything and everyone in her path if it
could not be ‘perfect’.
An abused child thus may enter adulthood with a very polarised view=
of
the world and use 'splitting' as a psychological defence. In practical terms
this means that someone will be perceived as wonderful and 'perfect' when
fulfilling their needs and as totally hateful and as the betrayer when not
completely compliant. There is no balance and no shades of colour.
Just as such a personality sees others as perfect or completely fla=
wed
- so they tend to strive for personal perfection and be as intolerant of
imperfection in themselves as they are of acceptance of imperfections in
others.
Communications<=
/b>
Communication is affected by most of the barriers described above -
Abused children and adolescents have been constantly reinforced with the
message that family secrets should not be broken - they can't break the
silence.
All the self doubts and self deprecation can resurface at adolescen=
ce
and a great deal of work must be put into measures aimed at improving self
worth, assertiveness and self assurance. It is too easy to push a troubled
youngster back into being the frightened child.
Joyce had been rejected at an early age. Father walked out after ma=
ny
family rows, mother was mentally and could not cope with her children. At t=
he
age of five, Joyce was taken in by neighbours who had a girl of the same ag=
e.
Both girls were used for child porn films and sexually abused by the father=
and
his friends. Joyce was =
placed
in a children’s home for the remainder of her childhood. She bullied
other children, started shoplifting and as a teenager was involved in crime=
s of
violence to other girls.
She was an inarticulate girl who found it very difficult ot voice h=
er
needs and talk about her problems. Whenever someone treid to help her,
everything would go well while Joyce got her own way. But come the time when
Joyce was unhappy or wanted a priviledge that was refused her, she would br=
eak
out into violence .. slashing her social workers tyres, cutting up clothes =
and
photographs of her rival, vandalising the children’s home. Joyce was angrily returning =
the
violence wreaked on her as a child. The anger she felt towards her family w=
as
directed to those who treid to care for her. Her lack of verbal ability made
her break out in physical attacks. Words were replaced by actions.
Frightened children are unable to verbalise their hurt - they act o=
ut,
scream for attention and by their very use of indirect communication - such=
as
self harming, delinquency and violence often distance themselves from the h=
elp
they cry out for . It is our job to know how to listen.
Conclusion
These are but a few examples of the barriers obstructing the young
deprived and abused - there are many more which could be cited.
Not least of which is that all pervasive feeling that you have alwa=
ys
been a nobody, that you have always been treated as a nobody and that you w=
ill
never be anybody. It requires society to assume a positive attitude of
acceptance without discrimination before such barriers can be breached. We =
must
believe in these young people - so that they can believe in themselves.
* * &=
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References -
1a. Winnicott D.W. “The Theory of parent infant
relationship” International Journal of PsychoAnalysis 41
1060
1b Winnicott DW “Playing and Reality” Basic Books New Y=
ork
1971
1c Winnicott DW in Davis; Wallbridge “Boundary and Space̶=
1;
Karnac books 1981
2. Birch DML “I=
nner
Worlds and Outer Challenges” Youth Support Publications ISBN 870717 0=
3 1
1992
3 Kernberg O. “Object Relations, Theory and clinical
Psychoanalysis” Aronson 1976
4a. Bowlby J “T=
he
Nature of the child’s tie to the Mother” International Journal =
of
Psychoanalysis 39. 350
4b. Bowlby J. “A secure base” Rotledge 1988
5. Birch DML “B=
onds
and Boundaries” Youth S=
upport
Publications ISBN 1 870717 05 8
1994